I Lose My Hair

July 31, 2005
My Journey with Cancer

I Lose My Hair

Oftentimes, I find myself gawking at people with long, beautiful and healthy hair in the same way I noticed others staring at mine. I'm sorry if I have some kind of fixations about hair at this point in my life. Truly, we can’t appreciate the value of some things or people until we lose them.

At the tenth day after my first chemotherapy treatment, I started seeing clumps of my hair mercilessly clinging to my hairbrush leaving my scalp, falling …just falling. How did it feel for the first time? Or how did those people feel when they lose their hair because of cancer? How did they portray this in the movies? There were tears. I saw bald women on television and they looked beautiful, but what I saw in the mirror was not beautiful at all. I saw a half bald person with dark hollows beneath her eyes, staring back at me. I expected some tears, but there was none.
In this journey, everything comes through a process. At that moment, pity was the last thing I wanted. Even if I had the full support from my family, relatives and friends like an army, I was afraid to see that emotion which will cross their faces, even how fleeting it will be. Why? Because I knew I would crumble. I closed the door. I wrestled with the thought of hiding forever. Thoughts that were bordering on absurdity attacked me like bees. Surely, God was watching me, knowing, my thoughts, and He alone understood. It doesn’t matter to Him if I am bald, ugly, inconsistent, imperfect, physically weak and many more. He accepts me as I am. His love is unconditional.
Somehow, the fears vanish. I am now able to share my feelings, my emotions, and not being ashamed of it. I have accepted the fact that hair does not define the person. I have come to realize that we are so special in God’s eyes that He thought of crowning our heads wit beautiful hair. Touch your hair. Isn’t it amazing that God knows each follicle of your hair? In Mathew 10: 30-31, Jesus said, “And even the very hairs in your head are numbered. So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.”
Losing hair or alopecia is only one of the minor effects of chemotherapy. The other side effects are nausea and vomiting, fatigue, infection, low blood cell counts, reduction in the number of red blood cells that can cause anemia, which is associated with dizziness, head ache and irritability.
Other side effects are mouth sores, tingling or burning sensations, Flu-like symptoms after chemotherapy sessions, diarrhea or constipation, kidney, or bladder infections, taste changes, fluid retention, among others.
I know all these sound scary.. But doctors say these side effects could vary in each patient.
Sometimes people asked, if these are the side effects of chemotherapy, why should cancer patients undergo this kind of suffering?
The side effects maybe traumatic to most of us, but there are also positive results that this kind of treatment offers. But again, this varies to each patient.
They say in recent studies that chemotherapy may cure cancer, or kill cancer cells. It could also slow down cancer growth and relieve symptoms of cancer. Research also showed the chemotherapy could stop cancer from spreading to other parts of the body.
Despite the fact that the tumor was removed during surgery, doctors offer chemotherapy to patients since there is always a risk for recurrence. Some microscopic cancer cells might have spread in some parts of the body.
Modern medicine is a great help today. But when all these crutches are taken away, and death is eminent, only God can do the changes.