January 8, 2006
My journey
Today is a new day, paint it with any color you want…
A new day is like an inviting pristine white canvas, primed with expectations and excitement. A canvas has no life, yet through the artist’s passionate strokes it becomes vividly alive with meaning and colors.
We have unlimited choices to paint our day or year. We can paint it with darker, more subdued tones which is an expression of longing or emptiness. We can paint it with vibrant, brilliant hues which signify joy, faith and hope. A painting needs a patient hand with a heart and a soul. A day likewise needs someone who decides whether to make it a beautiful gift from God or just another falling leaf.
A cancer patient like me fights for life each day. I am grateful for today, and I grab it with vigor and enthusiasm like I have never done before. I have stopped teaching this semester, and I spend most of my time in my small cluttered studio, (I can’t work when everything is in order) which is filled with old but firm paintbrushes, oils, acrylics, and watercolor tubes and primed canvasses. Some unframed and unfinished works are discreetly leaning on the walls. This is where I create my own world. They could be a profusion of colors of a garden filled with flowers or a lonely cottage in the woods. The freedom of expression in this small corner is more exhilarating than the freedom of the press.
Here, I pour out my soul, my thoughts, experiences and hopes, even the exact time of the day is reflected on each leaf. A painting is an expression of the soul like an open book for all the world to enjoy. It is a lonely profession since the artist works with lifeless objects like paints, brushes and a canvas. Yet life springs out from this inanimate objects as the artist pours his own life and passion into them. The finished work is the product of everything that goes on in the artist’s heart and soul at the precise moment that he or she was in the creative process. Even how simple the painting is, whether it is done just to express a certain feeling, it becomes an extension of the self. A part of the person is recorded in a timeless piece of work, and it becomes a treasure to keep.
The magic started when I was three years old, when my mother would encourage me to draw and paint. When I was in grade school, she would bribe me with a bottle of coke when I was a bit too lazy to do any artwork. She would not mind if I consumed all the blank pages of her lesson plans with drawings of smiling faces, even as I filled all the walls and blank spaces of our rooms with women in long flowing gowns. She would still hug and praise me for what I have done. I was so proud when for the first time when a small piece of my drawing was sold when I was seven years old for five cents. My younger sister Louella, who was barely six years old would sell all my drawings to other kids during our elementary years. The thought that my sister was very bold to sell my works and that others would part with their money to buy something like that was an extremely rewarding and encouraging experience for me. I treasure those times even in later years when I would exhibit and sell my works in my few one-man shows in museums and galleries. My sister and I were so happy that both of us could draw and paint, and until she decided to focus in marine biology and finished her Ph.D in the US.
Like Vincent Van Gogh who had his brother Theo sending him art materials and all kinds of support, I am also doubly blessed by having my sister Louella, and her husband Dr. Bell Perrin, also a scientist, who have been providing me with quality art materials, encouragement, and support. Bill would personally hunt for varied art materials which he would send in his LBC boxes. The sight of these paints and brushes was enough to inspire more pieces of work. I could not ask God for more wonderful people than I already have.
Even if cancer is unpredictable, I don’t want to waste today’s blessings because of tomorrow’s fear. Today is a beautiful gift. I can paint this new day with any color I want. You too, can choose your colors for the day.
Monday, December 17, 2007
July 17,2005.
Time Flies
Bold brushstrokes of crimson and yellow splash the skies. While a lighter shade of blue slowly invades the horizon. Such beauty and majesty that only a master artist could create. You are the master painter God. Whose tireless and ever changing creativity never stops to amaze me. Yet few of us have the time to watch a beautiful sunrise. You have been busy all night, while I was sleeping; you were preparing the little buds to open. You meticulously drop a freshly sculptured dew just to give an accent on a shy, blushing rose.
I grab my canvas and my brushes, only to find that you have replaced the lighter hues with cobalt blues. Once again, you remind me that beauty is fleeting, just like life. So I just watch and store them as much as I can in my memory bank.
I’m looking forward to another series of tests, ultrasound, x-rays, blood test and scans. I know there will be needle pains and hard to find veins, since most of them have collapsed and seared by the potent chemicals that entered my body. But as you have made each one of us so wonderfully and fearfully in our mother’s womb, I know you will give my doctors and nurses just another vein.
This journey is not possible without you, Lord; every time I look at myself fear grips my whole being. I don’t know what lies ahead. I am not sure on what my doctors’ find will after the series of test. Shall I go into radiation daily for successive 28 days just like the other patients? Are they going to find the same node they found in my liver during the last ultrasound? How many times are they going to insert the needle in my veins until they find the right one that works this time? Shall I experience more pain? What happens after all this treatment? Are these going to end? How long shall I live? I really don’t mind without my hair. I find it a privilege to choose whether to wear a straight light brown or pink, or auburn hair. I know you will replace them back. My eyelids and eyebrows are gone now, but it’s nice to be painting them.
You alone have the answers. But knowing that you have sustained me along the way, give me the courage to go on. Cancer cannot take away courage, nor love, nor hope, nor can it reduce eternal life.
This storm maybe the strongest that I have ever experienced, but I don’t like to look at the wind, just like Peter, because I feel like sinking. So I don’t want to take my eyes off you. Help me to go through the day, and be fruitful for you. Your purpose is higher than mine, and you are far more wiser than any of us.
I am excited to meet my students today, and thank you for the opportunity to teach inspite of this. Tonight, I will try to capture the sunrise. My paints are no longer carcinogenic. They are all waterbase. Nice talking to you, my God.
Bold brushstrokes of crimson and yellow splash the skies. While a lighter shade of blue slowly invades the horizon. Such beauty and majesty that only a master artist could create. You are the master painter God. Whose tireless and ever changing creativity never stops to amaze me. Yet few of us have the time to watch a beautiful sunrise. You have been busy all night, while I was sleeping; you were preparing the little buds to open. You meticulously drop a freshly sculptured dew just to give an accent on a shy, blushing rose.
I grab my canvas and my brushes, only to find that you have replaced the lighter hues with cobalt blues. Once again, you remind me that beauty is fleeting, just like life. So I just watch and store them as much as I can in my memory bank.
I’m looking forward to another series of tests, ultrasound, x-rays, blood test and scans. I know there will be needle pains and hard to find veins, since most of them have collapsed and seared by the potent chemicals that entered my body. But as you have made each one of us so wonderfully and fearfully in our mother’s womb, I know you will give my doctors and nurses just another vein.
This journey is not possible without you, Lord; every time I look at myself fear grips my whole being. I don’t know what lies ahead. I am not sure on what my doctors’ find will after the series of test. Shall I go into radiation daily for successive 28 days just like the other patients? Are they going to find the same node they found in my liver during the last ultrasound? How many times are they going to insert the needle in my veins until they find the right one that works this time? Shall I experience more pain? What happens after all this treatment? Are these going to end? How long shall I live? I really don’t mind without my hair. I find it a privilege to choose whether to wear a straight light brown or pink, or auburn hair. I know you will replace them back. My eyelids and eyebrows are gone now, but it’s nice to be painting them.
You alone have the answers. But knowing that you have sustained me along the way, give me the courage to go on. Cancer cannot take away courage, nor love, nor hope, nor can it reduce eternal life.
This storm maybe the strongest that I have ever experienced, but I don’t like to look at the wind, just like Peter, because I feel like sinking. So I don’t want to take my eyes off you. Help me to go through the day, and be fruitful for you. Your purpose is higher than mine, and you are far more wiser than any of us.
I am excited to meet my students today, and thank you for the opportunity to teach inspite of this. Tonight, I will try to capture the sunrise. My paints are no longer carcinogenic. They are all waterbase. Nice talking to you, my God.
Time Flies
Bold brushstrokes of crimson and yellow splash the skies. While a lighter shade of blue slowly invades the horizon. Such beauty and majesty that only a master artist could create. You are the master painter God. Whose tireless and ever changing creativity never stops to amaze me. Yet few of us have the time to watch a beautiful sunrise. You have been busy all night, while I was sleeping; you were preparing the little buds to open. You meticulously drop a freshly sculptured dew just to give an accent on a shy, blushing rose.
I grab my canvas and my brushes, only to find that you have replaced the lighter hues with cobalt blues. Once again, you remind me that beauty is fleeting, just like life. So I just watch and store them as much as I can in my memory bank.
I’m looking forward to another series of tests, ultrasound, x-rays, blood test and scans. I know there will be needle pains and hard to find veins, since most of them have collapsed and seared by the potent chemicals that entered my body. But as you have made each one of us so wonderfully and fearfully in our mother’s womb, I know you will give my doctors and nurses just another vein.
This journey is not possible without you, Lord; every time I look at myself fear grips my whole being. I don’t know what lies ahead. I am not sure on what my doctors’ find will after the series of test. Shall I go into radiation daily for successive 28 days just like the other patients? Are they going to find the same node they found in my liver during the last ultrasound? How many times are they going to insert the needle in my veins until they find the right one that works this time? Shall I experience more pain? What happens after all this treatment? Are these going to end? How long shall I live? I really don’t mind without my hair. I find it a privilege to choose whether to wear a straight light brown or pink, or auburn hair. I know you will replace them back. My eyelids and eyebrows are gone now, but it’s nice to be painting them.
You alone have the answers. But knowing that you have sustained me along the way, give me the courage to go on. Cancer cannot take away courage, nor love, nor hope, nor can it reduce eternal life.
This storm maybe the strongest that I have ever experienced, but I don’t like to look at the wind, just like Peter, because I feel like sinking. So I don’t want to take my eyes off you. Help me to go through the day, and be fruitful for you. Your purpose is higher than mine, and you are far more wiser than any of us.
I am excited to meet my students today, and thank you for the opportunity to teach inspite of this. Tonight, I will try to capture the sunrise. My paints are no longer carcinogenic. They are all waterbase. Nice talking to you, my God.
Bold brushstrokes of crimson and yellow splash the skies. While a lighter shade of blue slowly invades the horizon. Such beauty and majesty that only a master artist could create. You are the master painter God. Whose tireless and ever changing creativity never stops to amaze me. Yet few of us have the time to watch a beautiful sunrise. You have been busy all night, while I was sleeping; you were preparing the little buds to open. You meticulously drop a freshly sculptured dew just to give an accent on a shy, blushing rose.
I grab my canvas and my brushes, only to find that you have replaced the lighter hues with cobalt blues. Once again, you remind me that beauty is fleeting, just like life. So I just watch and store them as much as I can in my memory bank.
I’m looking forward to another series of tests, ultrasound, x-rays, blood test and scans. I know there will be needle pains and hard to find veins, since most of them have collapsed and seared by the potent chemicals that entered my body. But as you have made each one of us so wonderfully and fearfully in our mother’s womb, I know you will give my doctors and nurses just another vein.
This journey is not possible without you, Lord; every time I look at myself fear grips my whole being. I don’t know what lies ahead. I am not sure on what my doctors’ find will after the series of test. Shall I go into radiation daily for successive 28 days just like the other patients? Are they going to find the same node they found in my liver during the last ultrasound? How many times are they going to insert the needle in my veins until they find the right one that works this time? Shall I experience more pain? What happens after all this treatment? Are these going to end? How long shall I live? I really don’t mind without my hair. I find it a privilege to choose whether to wear a straight light brown or pink, or auburn hair. I know you will replace them back. My eyelids and eyebrows are gone now, but it’s nice to be painting them.
You alone have the answers. But knowing that you have sustained me along the way, give me the courage to go on. Cancer cannot take away courage, nor love, nor hope, nor can it reduce eternal life.
This storm maybe the strongest that I have ever experienced, but I don’t like to look at the wind, just like Peter, because I feel like sinking. So I don’t want to take my eyes off you. Help me to go through the day, and be fruitful for you. Your purpose is higher than mine, and you are far more wiser than any of us.
I am excited to meet my students today, and thank you for the opportunity to teach inspite of this. Tonight, I will try to capture the sunrise. My paints are no longer carcinogenic. They are all waterbase. Nice talking to you, my God.
October 23, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
We’re unbelievably toxic, even before our birth
We live in a beautiful but dangerous world. The danger is not from the things we see, but from what we do not see. There are unseen enemies lurking in the dark recesses of the food we eat, the air we breathe, and the water we drink. We are toxic. Believe it or not. Studies show that even babies have high chemical exposure even before they were born.
Farmers use pesticides to make their products picture perfect and unblemished. Pesticides could also increase crop production. But it has harmful effects to humans. One of these harmful chemicals is Dichloro-diphenyl-trichloro-ethane or widely known as DDT which has been banned in the United States in 1972, yet some of its residues are still found in some tissue samples because its chemicals takes many decades to breakdown, therefore they are still being eaten by humans. DDT was found to cause cancer and yet it is still being used in some other countries and maybe in our own. The United Nations have drafted a treaty to ban the use of DDT worldwide which was finalized in the year 2000, yet there are still those who use them illegally.
These pesticides can travel thousands of kilometers through air and water. Take a look at this food chain. When these are sprayed on plants, the animals eat them, and finally we eat the meat of animals. When they are sprayed on agricultural lands, they are washed by the rains which eventually reach our rivers and the seas. If the pesticide level is high enough, it can kill the fishes but some survive with a lesser dose, and then find their way into humans as we eat them. Some of these chemicals are stored in our bodies’ fatty tissues. This build up is called bioaccumulation. Short term exposure to high level of chemicals can harm our body tissues, or may cause death, while prolonged exposure to lower levels of pesticides can cause cancer. Other harmful pesticides are birth defects and deformities.
Someone said when asked if his vegetables are sprayed, “Oh no, I don’t spray my ampalaya (bitter ground) with pesticides, I just dip them inside the can with pesticides to really make sure the worms won’t eat them.”
Yet a pesticide is only one of these unseen killers. In 1999 study funded by the world health organization, revealed that respiratory disease is the leading cause of death of children in developing countries due to air pollution. Outdated technologies, emissions from vehicles which are more than 10 years old can be serious health hazards. Lead from gasoline can retard children’s growth and cause brain damage.
You don’t smoke? Watch this. The survey also said that breathing the air in the worst air polluted city is like smoking two packs of cigarettes a day.
Everyday, as I go out and walk in the busy city streets, I tend to watch myself not to breathe too much air. Right in front of our noses, lead is pumped so hard, clogging our already clogged lungs.
How valuable is life? We watch people dying from cancer. Protecting our environment means protecting our children. We have laws to protect our environment yet we don’t implement them. Or do we really need laws to protect our only home? Is it not our nature to build our homes and make it a better place to live? Our home does not end where our backyard ends. If we destroy our ecosystem, we destroy the world, and we destroy our home, ourselves. Some sick people are only innocent victims who are caught in the crossfire of our own greed and negligence, or shall we say ignorance? But some of us have the nerve to blame God.
Do we have a choice? So what should we eat? Fruits and vegetables still top the list, but to lessen the effect of chemicals they should be washed or soak with water. Growing our own vegetables could help, but what about other foods? Some people look for organic products, which is a healthier choice.
The darkest orange and greenest colors among fruits and vegetables can prevent lung cancers and other cancers. James Duke, Ph.D., U.S. Department of Agriculture said that “Smokers should switch from cancer sticks to carrot sticks and soy beans.”
Everyone is clamoring for change. But who will change? Our president? The government? Our leaders? How about us? We could start within ourselves. Let us check our cars, our motorcycles, how much toxic do we contribute everyday?
In the beginning, God gave us a green, clean, and healthy world. We were meant to take care of our one and only planet. He made an amazing world not to be trampled upon but to be cared for. Genesis 1:31 says “God saw all that He had made, and it was very good…”
Friday, December 7, 2007
October 9,2005
Death is a certainty: a question of when
What is the difference between a person who has a terminal disease and the one who does not have and yet both of them will meet death eventually almost at the same time? Or the latter may die even earlier? What is the difference between someone lying on a cancer bed and the one who dies in a plane crash, or those who die in hurricane Katrina or in a landslide, or in a recent bombing in Bali Indonesia? These questions were thrown to me lately. Is it better to know or not know? Which is preferable?
The answer is highly debatable. You are giving your own answer right now, even as you read this article.
There is a big difference. A person whose days are numbered and he knew it may profit immensely from knowing that his time is limited. But his response may depend on what he is ma de of. Others refuse to face the truth. I used to feel that way. Before my diagnosis, I knew that there was something wrong with my body even without any outward manifestations. The hardest thing was to face it, and submit myself to a specialist. I courted the possibilities of running away, no surgery, no chemotherapy, no hassles, just die in an obscure place, not giving any hard time to people I love. I used to see movies of that sort, and I used to think that was very romantic. But when it became a reality to me, it wasn’t romantic at all.
God had other plans.
When the final verdict came, and I saw it all in print, little red dots on white paper, which showed how extensive the tumors were in both breasts, based on an ultrasound, my whole being turned to God. The impact was too great that I realized that no one, not even those who love me could carry my burden for me even if they would want to. I had nothing except God. Only through total acceptance of my predicament and submission to my Creator brought me peace that surpassed all understanding. For the past eight months, I had to go through everything from surgery to chemotherapy, with the assurance that God would be there, every inch of the way. He used people to help and minister to me. Someone wrote, “Faith is daring the soul to go beyond the eyes can see.” The bible says that “…faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
In some instances, my oncologist would call my husband and talked to him privately about my situation. I had insisted to know everything. Knowing the truth gave me specific things to ask God for. Truth could hurt, but knowing my enemy which is cancer gives me weapon to fight.
When we come to think of it, life is but a small dot and the rest is eternity. Have we asked ourselves, after that dot what happens? We re-evaluate our existence. Why are we here? Do we have a purpose? What is the purpose of our brain which can store 100 trillion facts and our minds which can handle 15,000 decisions a second? Did God equip us with all these abilities only to enrich ourselves or amass power, positions, fame or knowledge? Which is more important in life, money or relationships? Are we here to worship money? Or God? Wealth is a blessing, only when it is shared for the purpose of pleasing the ultimate Giver.
When God gives us comfort, it is not because he wants us to become comfortable, but to comport others.
Even painful experiences can be used to help others. How many of us have felt pain? It may vary in a certain degree and certain types, but pain is pain. Whether it is emotional, financial, physical, psychological or spiritual. But pain should not be wasted. Aldus Huxley said, “Experience is not what you do with what happens to you.” Only you who have undergone a certain type of pain could understand the person who is in the same situation. It is only you, who have felt the same way could reach out and comfort others like you.
There is a world of difference between a person who knows that his days are counted and realize his priorities in life and those who have taken it for granted and caught in a surprise ending. Pain or prolonged pain won’t matter anymore when life draws its final curtain. Shall we wait when trials knock at our doors to see the diffence?
Death is a certainty: a question of when
What is the difference between a person who has a terminal disease and the one who does not have and yet both of them will meet death eventually almost at the same time? Or the latter may die even earlier? What is the difference between someone lying on a cancer bed and the one who dies in a plane crash, or those who die in hurricane Katrina or in a landslide, or in a recent bombing in Bali Indonesia? These questions were thrown to me lately. Is it better to know or not know? Which is preferable?
The answer is highly debatable. You are giving your own answer right now, even as you read this article.
There is a big difference. A person whose days are numbered and he knew it may profit immensely from knowing that his time is limited. But his response may depend on what he is ma de of. Others refuse to face the truth. I used to feel that way. Before my diagnosis, I knew that there was something wrong with my body even without any outward manifestations. The hardest thing was to face it, and submit myself to a specialist. I courted the possibilities of running away, no surgery, no chemotherapy, no hassles, just die in an obscure place, not giving any hard time to people I love. I used to see movies of that sort, and I used to think that was very romantic. But when it became a reality to me, it wasn’t romantic at all.
God had other plans.
When the final verdict came, and I saw it all in print, little red dots on white paper, which showed how extensive the tumors were in both breasts, based on an ultrasound, my whole being turned to God. The impact was too great that I realized that no one, not even those who love me could carry my burden for me even if they would want to. I had nothing except God. Only through total acceptance of my predicament and submission to my Creator brought me peace that surpassed all understanding. For the past eight months, I had to go through everything from surgery to chemotherapy, with the assurance that God would be there, every inch of the way. He used people to help and minister to me. Someone wrote, “Faith is daring the soul to go beyond the eyes can see.” The bible says that “…faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
In some instances, my oncologist would call my husband and talked to him privately about my situation. I had insisted to know everything. Knowing the truth gave me specific things to ask God for. Truth could hurt, but knowing my enemy which is cancer gives me weapon to fight.
When we come to think of it, life is but a small dot and the rest is eternity. Have we asked ourselves, after that dot what happens? We re-evaluate our existence. Why are we here? Do we have a purpose? What is the purpose of our brain which can store 100 trillion facts and our minds which can handle 15,000 decisions a second? Did God equip us with all these abilities only to enrich ourselves or amass power, positions, fame or knowledge? Which is more important in life, money or relationships? Are we here to worship money? Or God? Wealth is a blessing, only when it is shared for the purpose of pleasing the ultimate Giver.
When God gives us comfort, it is not because he wants us to become comfortable, but to comport others.
Even painful experiences can be used to help others. How many of us have felt pain? It may vary in a certain degree and certain types, but pain is pain. Whether it is emotional, financial, physical, psychological or spiritual. But pain should not be wasted. Aldus Huxley said, “Experience is not what you do with what happens to you.” Only you who have undergone a certain type of pain could understand the person who is in the same situation. It is only you, who have felt the same way could reach out and comfort others like you.
There is a world of difference between a person who knows that his days are counted and realize his priorities in life and those who have taken it for granted and caught in a surprise ending. Pain or prolonged pain won’t matter anymore when life draws its final curtain. Shall we wait when trials knock at our doors to see the diffence?
Bone Scan
October 2, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
Bone Scan
I have heard the words “bone scan” very often among cancer patients since I entered the world of Cancer. Every one of us seemed to be excited about this kind of test. Although, honestly, I had to ask, is it painful? How does it go? How long does it take? How do you feel when the result is bad? Finally, my turn came, after eight months since surgery.
Stately palm trees receded from the distance as the small sea craft, with a capacity of about 30 people left the island for Cebu. The sea green water danced with the sunlight. The sea was calm. But my heart and mind were miles away, wandering inside the Cebu Cancer Institute. I willed myself to focus on the present. I cannot waste today’s blessings because of tomorrow’s fear. But human as I am, I thought about the scan and its result, and fear, with its ugly face, smiled wickedly.
Once, my husband and I were inside the glass walls of the Cebu Cancer Institute, with all its modern facilities, and state-of-the-art technology, the smell of chemicals from the chemotherapy rooms brought shooting arrows into my forehead. But the effect was immediately softened by friendly and sympathetic smiles from the staff.
The purpose of the bone scan was to find out whether cancer has metastasized into my bones. The process took more no pain except for the needle works. The nurses were kind and gentle. Their hands, light as feathers did the work expertly, as they found the right vein. I don’t want to pretend that I know some medical terminologies, but what I was aware of was that I had radio-active elements inside my body, that would stay for about six hours. I was told to isolate myself from pregnant women and children for that number of hours.
Not bad. I was made to lie down on a sheet of cold metal, covered with soft fabric, as I was told gently that I should close my eyes, refrain from any movement and talking for the next forty minutes. I thought, that was a tall order. I could feel my heart beating hard against my ribcage, wanting to be free. My body was strapped securedly into the machine even as I told them with humor, that it was not necessary since I won’t try to escape. They smiled, and told me kindly that some movements may surprise me and that I had to keep still but everything will be fine.
Then the music played. The instrument sound was so soothing, that my and my body began to relax.
I found out that trying to keep still when you are told to do it is not an easy task. Forty minutes seemed eternity. But as the machine was moving above and under me, scanning every bit of my skeleton, so slowly, like a moon doing its orbit around the earth, I thought about Psalms 139:13-16 “ For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful… my frame was not hidden from you when I was made in a secret place, when I was wove n together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body…all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of the m came to be.”
This wonderful reality played in my mind, as the machine recorded every single bone I have. So I thought, if God had given me so much thought, He alone has a power to bring then result He wanted me to have. During this time, while my mind was focusing on those passages, and imploring His mercy, friends were praying for me, and their messages, brought me hope.
I was subjected to other tests afterwards, but these were routine tests and ultrasounds every month. My liver showed improvement, although it is still six times above the normal in sgpt. But I pray that the healing continues.
Our bodies amaze me. God has made us wonderfully our skeletal system is composed of 206 separate bones and some cartilages. Our skull has 22 bones.
In Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life, he emphasized that all abilities come from God. And that studies show that an average person possesses from 500 to 700 different skills and abilities. Our minds can handle 15,000 decisions a second. Our brain can take in 100 trillion information while our nose can smell 10,000 various odors. Our touch can detect an item 1/25,000th of an inch thick. We are complex, highly organized, gifted with bundle of incredible abilities. Yet some of these gifts lay dormant, waiting to be discovered. We can use these talents to give glory back to the one who authored it. We are more special than apes. Yes, God took pleasure with us when He made us.
Finally all my results came in beautiful colors. My bone scan showed no metastases. I thank God for that. I felt so euphoric that even if my doctor told me that in my case, there is a high probability that there will be a recurrence of breast cancer within two years, and that I had to pray harder for the next one year and four months, I was not dismayed. But all these possibilities seem not to matter with my hope that God is sovereign. He is in control. He knows what He is doing. And no matter how long or how short He allows me to live, He knows what is best. Our time is perfectly synchronized with His clock.
My Journey with Cancer
Bone Scan
I have heard the words “bone scan” very often among cancer patients since I entered the world of Cancer. Every one of us seemed to be excited about this kind of test. Although, honestly, I had to ask, is it painful? How does it go? How long does it take? How do you feel when the result is bad? Finally, my turn came, after eight months since surgery.
Stately palm trees receded from the distance as the small sea craft, with a capacity of about 30 people left the island for Cebu. The sea green water danced with the sunlight. The sea was calm. But my heart and mind were miles away, wandering inside the Cebu Cancer Institute. I willed myself to focus on the present. I cannot waste today’s blessings because of tomorrow’s fear. But human as I am, I thought about the scan and its result, and fear, with its ugly face, smiled wickedly.
Once, my husband and I were inside the glass walls of the Cebu Cancer Institute, with all its modern facilities, and state-of-the-art technology, the smell of chemicals from the chemotherapy rooms brought shooting arrows into my forehead. But the effect was immediately softened by friendly and sympathetic smiles from the staff.
The purpose of the bone scan was to find out whether cancer has metastasized into my bones. The process took more no pain except for the needle works. The nurses were kind and gentle. Their hands, light as feathers did the work expertly, as they found the right vein. I don’t want to pretend that I know some medical terminologies, but what I was aware of was that I had radio-active elements inside my body, that would stay for about six hours. I was told to isolate myself from pregnant women and children for that number of hours.
Not bad. I was made to lie down on a sheet of cold metal, covered with soft fabric, as I was told gently that I should close my eyes, refrain from any movement and talking for the next forty minutes. I thought, that was a tall order. I could feel my heart beating hard against my ribcage, wanting to be free. My body was strapped securedly into the machine even as I told them with humor, that it was not necessary since I won’t try to escape. They smiled, and told me kindly that some movements may surprise me and that I had to keep still but everything will be fine.
Then the music played. The instrument sound was so soothing, that my and my body began to relax.
I found out that trying to keep still when you are told to do it is not an easy task. Forty minutes seemed eternity. But as the machine was moving above and under me, scanning every bit of my skeleton, so slowly, like a moon doing its orbit around the earth, I thought about Psalms 139:13-16 “ For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful… my frame was not hidden from you when I was made in a secret place, when I was wove n together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body…all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of the m came to be.”
This wonderful reality played in my mind, as the machine recorded every single bone I have. So I thought, if God had given me so much thought, He alone has a power to bring then result He wanted me to have. During this time, while my mind was focusing on those passages, and imploring His mercy, friends were praying for me, and their messages, brought me hope.
I was subjected to other tests afterwards, but these were routine tests and ultrasounds every month. My liver showed improvement, although it is still six times above the normal in sgpt. But I pray that the healing continues.
Our bodies amaze me. God has made us wonderfully our skeletal system is composed of 206 separate bones and some cartilages. Our skull has 22 bones.
In Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life, he emphasized that all abilities come from God. And that studies show that an average person possesses from 500 to 700 different skills and abilities. Our minds can handle 15,000 decisions a second. Our brain can take in 100 trillion information while our nose can smell 10,000 various odors. Our touch can detect an item 1/25,000th of an inch thick. We are complex, highly organized, gifted with bundle of incredible abilities. Yet some of these gifts lay dormant, waiting to be discovered. We can use these talents to give glory back to the one who authored it. We are more special than apes. Yes, God took pleasure with us when He made us.
Finally all my results came in beautiful colors. My bone scan showed no metastases. I thank God for that. I felt so euphoric that even if my doctor told me that in my case, there is a high probability that there will be a recurrence of breast cancer within two years, and that I had to pray harder for the next one year and four months, I was not dismayed. But all these possibilities seem not to matter with my hope that God is sovereign. He is in control. He knows what He is doing. And no matter how long or how short He allows me to live, He knows what is best. Our time is perfectly synchronized with His clock.
Monday, July 30, 2007
September 25, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
Trials can cause us to be bitter or better
My big calendar inside my room tells me that it has been eight months since I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. My nails still bear the dark marks of the chemicals from various combinations of drugs they used for my chemotherapy. The modified radical mastectomy left an indelible mark in my body, but the scar is only a reminder that everything has changed. My hair is now more than an inch long, sometimes I bare them to people close to me, but to avoid unwanted glares, I still wear my wig inside the classroom, when I go shopping or eat in public places. But some of my eyelashes and eyebrows have failed to grow back again. They deserted me during and after the successive chemotherapy treatment. I look at the mirror, and breathe the word Patience. Sometimes, Cancer is an instrument to change a person, outwardly and inwardly. Depending on how we take it.
Dr. Harold Sala, in one of his many inspirational books said that trial is like a whirlwind that picks up an object, that when you finally hit the ground, you are not in the same person. Trials can cause us to grow bitter or better.
Bitterness leaves a bitter taste. It is worse than cancer. It eats up the mind, the heart, the body and the spirit. It is persistent and never allows you to breathe. It lurks in the dark alleys of the mind, looking for company. It makes your heart grow weary, tired, critical and unforgiving. If you allow bitterness to live a single moment inside your system, it begins to invade all the good things inside you. Then as days pass by, it becomes a monster that controls your whole being. And eventually we die inside.
We become enslaved by bitterness that we look at the ugly side of life most of the time. We become bystanders and watchers instead of doers. To become a critical person one does not require a degree. All you have to do is find all the faults in this whole wide imperfect world and feel miserable. It does not take some qualification to nurture all the negative feelings of self-pity, anger, resentment, envy and many more.
Many times in this journey, I am tempted to feel that way. Self pity, depression and anger could easily find their way to those who are sick and suffering, to those who are physically healthy but hurting inside and to those who feel like they were abandoned by the Creator and left to die in misery and pain.
But looking back on how I have been sustained by God, there is no room for bitterness.
When one is told that she has a malignant tumor and that is cancer, and she may not live longer than she thought she feels like everything is about to end. She will miss the big game. There will be no more place for dreams. Tomorrow is filled of uncertainties. Everyone is passing away, but to know that your turn is imminent, it makes a lot of difference.
Cancer can be cruel and devastating, but it has allowed me to get a closer look at pain and God. I realized that in the most trying and painful times, no one, except God could accompany us into that certain threshold known only to the one who experiences it. That moment becomes so private between the mortal and His creator.. In those moments, I understood why He had to become flesh. Why he had to be crucified. Why he had to undergo such a horrible death. He had to be in the flesh to identify with my pain, with all our pains… It wasn’t enough for Him to die for our sins. But the way He chose to die shook me. Yes I am in pain too, a lowly mortal and sinner, but with all the amenities of modern medicine, painkillers, doctors and nurses, family, friends and relatives who are willing to give all the comfort I needed. While He, who is supposed to be the King of kings, took my place. Jesus knew that empathy could not be learned in expensive universities. One had to undergo pain, to identify with those who are in the same boat. Only then, does real compassion come. My situation is nothing compared to what He had been through. How then could I feel abandoned? Who would die for a friend?
If we desire His presence so acutely, He never fails us. I have learned that He yearns for that intimacy of personal relationship. But we could only attain that if we believe that He died for us, regardless of who we are. In John 3:16 Jesus says, “For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
These assurances keep me alive and joyful inspite of cancer. I know that we are special in His sight. That we have a God who loves us so much that He died for us. He works in the nightshift. He doesn’t sleep. His line is not busy. He loves to be disturbed. He wants to be present wherever we are. He loves to be in our conversations, in our healthy times and sickness, in poverty and in abundance. Lets thank Him in washing dirty dishes, because that means He gave us food to eat, doing our laundry reminds us that He clothes us.
In the story of the Prince and the Pauper, they look alike that one day they decided to trade places. So the prince ha the first hand experience to become a pauper and the pauper tasted how it is to live like a prince. We are more or less like that. Jesus traded places with us because of His love.
Cancer can kill the body, but it cannot diminish eternal life.
My Journey with Cancer
Trials can cause us to be bitter or better
My big calendar inside my room tells me that it has been eight months since I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. My nails still bear the dark marks of the chemicals from various combinations of drugs they used for my chemotherapy. The modified radical mastectomy left an indelible mark in my body, but the scar is only a reminder that everything has changed. My hair is now more than an inch long, sometimes I bare them to people close to me, but to avoid unwanted glares, I still wear my wig inside the classroom, when I go shopping or eat in public places. But some of my eyelashes and eyebrows have failed to grow back again. They deserted me during and after the successive chemotherapy treatment. I look at the mirror, and breathe the word Patience. Sometimes, Cancer is an instrument to change a person, outwardly and inwardly. Depending on how we take it.
Dr. Harold Sala, in one of his many inspirational books said that trial is like a whirlwind that picks up an object, that when you finally hit the ground, you are not in the same person. Trials can cause us to grow bitter or better.
Bitterness leaves a bitter taste. It is worse than cancer. It eats up the mind, the heart, the body and the spirit. It is persistent and never allows you to breathe. It lurks in the dark alleys of the mind, looking for company. It makes your heart grow weary, tired, critical and unforgiving. If you allow bitterness to live a single moment inside your system, it begins to invade all the good things inside you. Then as days pass by, it becomes a monster that controls your whole being. And eventually we die inside.
We become enslaved by bitterness that we look at the ugly side of life most of the time. We become bystanders and watchers instead of doers. To become a critical person one does not require a degree. All you have to do is find all the faults in this whole wide imperfect world and feel miserable. It does not take some qualification to nurture all the negative feelings of self-pity, anger, resentment, envy and many more.
Many times in this journey, I am tempted to feel that way. Self pity, depression and anger could easily find their way to those who are sick and suffering, to those who are physically healthy but hurting inside and to those who feel like they were abandoned by the Creator and left to die in misery and pain.
But looking back on how I have been sustained by God, there is no room for bitterness.
When one is told that she has a malignant tumor and that is cancer, and she may not live longer than she thought she feels like everything is about to end. She will miss the big game. There will be no more place for dreams. Tomorrow is filled of uncertainties. Everyone is passing away, but to know that your turn is imminent, it makes a lot of difference.
Cancer can be cruel and devastating, but it has allowed me to get a closer look at pain and God. I realized that in the most trying and painful times, no one, except God could accompany us into that certain threshold known only to the one who experiences it. That moment becomes so private between the mortal and His creator.. In those moments, I understood why He had to become flesh. Why he had to be crucified. Why he had to undergo such a horrible death. He had to be in the flesh to identify with my pain, with all our pains… It wasn’t enough for Him to die for our sins. But the way He chose to die shook me. Yes I am in pain too, a lowly mortal and sinner, but with all the amenities of modern medicine, painkillers, doctors and nurses, family, friends and relatives who are willing to give all the comfort I needed. While He, who is supposed to be the King of kings, took my place. Jesus knew that empathy could not be learned in expensive universities. One had to undergo pain, to identify with those who are in the same boat. Only then, does real compassion come. My situation is nothing compared to what He had been through. How then could I feel abandoned? Who would die for a friend?
If we desire His presence so acutely, He never fails us. I have learned that He yearns for that intimacy of personal relationship. But we could only attain that if we believe that He died for us, regardless of who we are. In John 3:16 Jesus says, “For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
These assurances keep me alive and joyful inspite of cancer. I know that we are special in His sight. That we have a God who loves us so much that He died for us. He works in the nightshift. He doesn’t sleep. His line is not busy. He loves to be disturbed. He wants to be present wherever we are. He loves to be in our conversations, in our healthy times and sickness, in poverty and in abundance. Lets thank Him in washing dirty dishes, because that means He gave us food to eat, doing our laundry reminds us that He clothes us.
In the story of the Prince and the Pauper, they look alike that one day they decided to trade places. So the prince ha the first hand experience to become a pauper and the pauper tasted how it is to live like a prince. We are more or less like that. Jesus traded places with us because of His love.
Cancer can kill the body, but it cannot diminish eternal life.
Listen to your Body
August 18, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
Listen to your body
Listen to your body. I have heard these words of advice many times since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our bodies have its own way of telling us to stop and rest or eat the right foods. But oftentimes we refuse to listen. I need stress to write. I am a deadline pusher. As a news writer and newscaster, I love to write when I am watching the clock ticking its seconds away mercilessly and I am racing to beat it. I sound more alive delivering the news when I know that the rest of it is still in the process of completion inside the newsroom. My editor understands, but most often, it drives him to the wall.
I usually set an art exhibit before I produce the paintings in my one-man shows. The creative juices flow when adrenalin pumps hard enough to bring images to life. Stress could be the trigger to make us feel alive but at the end it leaves the body spent and bent to the rigors of abuse. A guitar has strings that need a certain amount of stress just to produce a beautiful melody. But too much stress can break the strings. And like so our bodies can handle only so much stress.
Although genetics are considered an important risk factor to acquire cancer, it is only secondary to dietary, lifestyle and environmental factors. Japanese women have only 1/5th of the rate of breast cancer compared to the United States, according to internet sources. These women tend to include fish in their diet which are rich sources of the omega-3 fatty acids. These essential fatty acids which are known for its anti cancer effects are found in cold water fish like salmon, herring, halibut, mackerel and sardines.
They are also present in lower fat fish like yellow fin tuna, sea bass, flounder, cod, rainbow trout, perch, Pollack and haddock. Fatty fish which has about 5 to 10 grams of fat include freshwater bass, mullet, bluefish and blue fin tuna.
In Dr. Don Colbert’s book entitled “What would Jesus Eat”, fish oil eaters like. Eskimos in Greenland have very low percentage in coronary heart disease. This study was conducted by Dr. J. Dyerberg in the late 1970s also showed that although Eskimos have a diet rich in oils of cold water fatty fish and seals they have a low level of bad cholesterol or LDL and high level of good cholesterol or HDL.
Sources say that dietary factors link to cause breast cancers are meats, total fat, saturated fats, alcohol, refined sugar, dairy and total calories. While those which can prevent breast cancer are fish, whole grains, legumes, cabbage vegetables, nuts and fruits.
Cancer has opened my eyes to the myriad of foods which has the natural way to heal. In Genesis 1:30, God said “to every breast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food.”
God created us to be omnivores. We can eat plants and animal foods. But according to Dr. Colbert, our anatomy has been made by our creator in such a way that we are better in consuming more plant products than animal products.
He cited that as human being, we have twenty molars, which are ideal for grinding plant foods with eight frontal incisors to bite in to fruits and vegetable, and only four canine teeth for eating meat.. We have hands meant for picking fruits, vegetables and herbs and not claws to rip animal flesh. Our jaws move vertically and horizontally while a carnivore moves its jaw only vertically.
Our intestinal tract is longer than a carnivore’s which is more designed to ingest plant foods. The carnivores also have more hydrochloric acid four times more compared to an herbivore, which meant that they could digest meat more rapidly and can eliminate their waste products faster compared to our own.
During this vegetarian period, Adam lived for 930 years, and Methuselah who was the longest man who ever lived on earth, was 969 years old.
Today, you are considered a rare find if you live to be over a hundred years old. The average lifespan is only 75 years. With cancer, this is even a remote possibility. It’s hard for me to indulge in such a fantasy, but God is a God of the impossible. He is bigger than all the cancers combined in the whole world.
My Journey with Cancer
Listen to your body
Listen to your body. I have heard these words of advice many times since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our bodies have its own way of telling us to stop and rest or eat the right foods. But oftentimes we refuse to listen. I need stress to write. I am a deadline pusher. As a news writer and newscaster, I love to write when I am watching the clock ticking its seconds away mercilessly and I am racing to beat it. I sound more alive delivering the news when I know that the rest of it is still in the process of completion inside the newsroom. My editor understands, but most often, it drives him to the wall.
I usually set an art exhibit before I produce the paintings in my one-man shows. The creative juices flow when adrenalin pumps hard enough to bring images to life. Stress could be the trigger to make us feel alive but at the end it leaves the body spent and bent to the rigors of abuse. A guitar has strings that need a certain amount of stress just to produce a beautiful melody. But too much stress can break the strings. And like so our bodies can handle only so much stress.
Although genetics are considered an important risk factor to acquire cancer, it is only secondary to dietary, lifestyle and environmental factors. Japanese women have only 1/5th of the rate of breast cancer compared to the United States, according to internet sources. These women tend to include fish in their diet which are rich sources of the omega-3 fatty acids. These essential fatty acids which are known for its anti cancer effects are found in cold water fish like salmon, herring, halibut, mackerel and sardines.
They are also present in lower fat fish like yellow fin tuna, sea bass, flounder, cod, rainbow trout, perch, Pollack and haddock. Fatty fish which has about 5 to 10 grams of fat include freshwater bass, mullet, bluefish and blue fin tuna.
In Dr. Don Colbert’s book entitled “What would Jesus Eat”, fish oil eaters like. Eskimos in Greenland have very low percentage in coronary heart disease. This study was conducted by Dr. J. Dyerberg in the late 1970s also showed that although Eskimos have a diet rich in oils of cold water fatty fish and seals they have a low level of bad cholesterol or LDL and high level of good cholesterol or HDL.
Sources say that dietary factors link to cause breast cancers are meats, total fat, saturated fats, alcohol, refined sugar, dairy and total calories. While those which can prevent breast cancer are fish, whole grains, legumes, cabbage vegetables, nuts and fruits.
Cancer has opened my eyes to the myriad of foods which has the natural way to heal. In Genesis 1:30, God said “to every breast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food.”
God created us to be omnivores. We can eat plants and animal foods. But according to Dr. Colbert, our anatomy has been made by our creator in such a way that we are better in consuming more plant products than animal products.
He cited that as human being, we have twenty molars, which are ideal for grinding plant foods with eight frontal incisors to bite in to fruits and vegetable, and only four canine teeth for eating meat.. We have hands meant for picking fruits, vegetables and herbs and not claws to rip animal flesh. Our jaws move vertically and horizontally while a carnivore moves its jaw only vertically.
Our intestinal tract is longer than a carnivore’s which is more designed to ingest plant foods. The carnivores also have more hydrochloric acid four times more compared to an herbivore, which meant that they could digest meat more rapidly and can eliminate their waste products faster compared to our own.
During this vegetarian period, Adam lived for 930 years, and Methuselah who was the longest man who ever lived on earth, was 969 years old.
Today, you are considered a rare find if you live to be over a hundred years old. The average lifespan is only 75 years. With cancer, this is even a remote possibility. It’s hard for me to indulge in such a fantasy, but God is a God of the impossible. He is bigger than all the cancers combined in the whole world.
God's Grace
God’s Grace
My veins hurt every time I paint on big canvasses. I see my oil paint tubes and wonder if I can use them once more without fear that they could be the silent poison which invaded my system. I look at the calendar and wonder what’s next? When others make long-term plans, I feel a stabbing pain, as a thin sheet of doubt penetrates my consciousness. Shall I make it?
A psychologist once said, “If you wish to be miserable, think about your self and what you want. You will spoil every thing you touch and finally you will make pain and misery out of everything that God sent you.”
It is so easy to be depressed in this journey. I don’t have to go around and search for it. Sitting alone and thinking of myself is enough to draw all the arrows like homing pigeons to my heart.
I can smell the potent chemicals emanating from the chemotherapy room. I can see my imperfect body as a living masterpiece of radical mastectomy. My hair which once was long, thick and curly is now reduced to an inch long crop of fine fiber hugging my scalp. Every time I take m y daily dose of Tamoxifen, I want to assure myself that it will only help stop the recurrence of breast cancer and spare my uterus from getting one too.. Although the percentage that it might occur is very small.
Others say I am brave, but I am not. The only strength I have is God’s grace. I feel His greatest strength in my weakest moments. I shudder with fear every time I hear that another cancer patient died. I feel their suffering as I see their faces, painted in my mind permanently. I hear the cries of children with cancer as they struggle to free themselves from needles and series of treatment. I see pain in my husband’s eyes as he grapples with the truth that his wife has invasive breast cancer. My heart bleeds every time my youngest son tells me that he wants to be with me in heaven when I go there. The gloom continues until I close my eyes and say stop.
Many times misery pays a courtesy call, I may dwell in it for a few seconds, but God reminds us in Romans 8:28 that “All things work together for good to them that love God.”
Faith sometimes does not grow overnight. Where there is great faith, it must have great trials. Someone said, “The time to trust is when all else fails.”
I start looking back. What do I see? Once, I lived a full and active life, with a calendar filled with activities from sunrise to sunset. Life as a radio disc jockey and newscaster dominated the number of years I worked for the media. Once I have stopped to become a full time mother for seven years which until now I have never regretted. I was able to savor those precious moments in motherhood, when my children would cling to my skirt, not wanting to let me go, and I have cherished those times. My little girl would pose to become my model, with a promise that when the painting got sold I would buy her a Barbie doll. All three of them would help me paint a huge canvas, with the same promise, a trip to a department store when the painting got sold. Until they have learned to paint by themselves now. Even when I returned to work, I always find time to paint to unwind a long busy day while filling more walls and holding more art exhibits. I was able to spend a couple of times with my sister and my mother in California, when the fields and gardens were bursting with colors exploding everywhere in the springtime. I spent time learning from other artists, talking to them, and watching them work. At the same time, I loved to just sit and marvel at the works of the master at the Getty museums in Los Angeles and other museums and art galleries in America. I would sit in front of a Van Gogh at Norton Simon Museum for hours, pondering how this great and talented artist lived in misery for the rest of his life, painting more than two hundred masterpieces and yet no one recognized the great talent. He felt so depressed that he had to be placed in an asylum.. The world rejected him, yet, his works lived, the man, the artist, begging to be understood, and when the world finally did, he is not around to taste it. If Van Gogh was alive today, he will be writing or e-mailing his brother Theo, who supported him all the way that his paintings are selling by the millions of dollars for each masterpiece.
But one of my greatest joys was teaching street children and orphans how to paint. I love watching their faces swathe with excitement as they hold a set of crayon and paints for the first time.
Sometimes, work and even hobbies can be addictive. They can take your life away literally.
When one day God knocked at my door. It was so loud that He had my full attention. Then I stopped, and suddenly I was drawn into a corner of a room, so quite, I could only hear His heartbeat.
The world stop revolving. All I saw were people in their white gowns, with closer semblance of heaven. One thing that told me I was wrong was that the smell of medicine which filled the air, and pain, yes, but not so intense, as painkillers did their job very well.
Nothing seemed to matter at that moment. Only the thought that life is as fragile as a leaf. But as long as that leaf clings to the vine, where it gets its nourishment, it can still dance with the wind.
Right now I feel like a clay on a Potter’s hand, being molded, and my Potter knows exactly what He is doing. He is not done yet, but as a master artist, He sees the finished product, beyond our circumstances. All I could do is yield to the pressure of His hand. Sometimes it is painful, but knowing that He is full of compassion and love, He will never abandon us nor forsake us, but bring out the best in us.
My veins hurt every time I paint on big canvasses. I see my oil paint tubes and wonder if I can use them once more without fear that they could be the silent poison which invaded my system. I look at the calendar and wonder what’s next? When others make long-term plans, I feel a stabbing pain, as a thin sheet of doubt penetrates my consciousness. Shall I make it?
A psychologist once said, “If you wish to be miserable, think about your self and what you want. You will spoil every thing you touch and finally you will make pain and misery out of everything that God sent you.”
It is so easy to be depressed in this journey. I don’t have to go around and search for it. Sitting alone and thinking of myself is enough to draw all the arrows like homing pigeons to my heart.
I can smell the potent chemicals emanating from the chemotherapy room. I can see my imperfect body as a living masterpiece of radical mastectomy. My hair which once was long, thick and curly is now reduced to an inch long crop of fine fiber hugging my scalp. Every time I take m y daily dose of Tamoxifen, I want to assure myself that it will only help stop the recurrence of breast cancer and spare my uterus from getting one too.. Although the percentage that it might occur is very small.
Others say I am brave, but I am not. The only strength I have is God’s grace. I feel His greatest strength in my weakest moments. I shudder with fear every time I hear that another cancer patient died. I feel their suffering as I see their faces, painted in my mind permanently. I hear the cries of children with cancer as they struggle to free themselves from needles and series of treatment. I see pain in my husband’s eyes as he grapples with the truth that his wife has invasive breast cancer. My heart bleeds every time my youngest son tells me that he wants to be with me in heaven when I go there. The gloom continues until I close my eyes and say stop.
Many times misery pays a courtesy call, I may dwell in it for a few seconds, but God reminds us in Romans 8:28 that “All things work together for good to them that love God.”
Faith sometimes does not grow overnight. Where there is great faith, it must have great trials. Someone said, “The time to trust is when all else fails.”
I start looking back. What do I see? Once, I lived a full and active life, with a calendar filled with activities from sunrise to sunset. Life as a radio disc jockey and newscaster dominated the number of years I worked for the media. Once I have stopped to become a full time mother for seven years which until now I have never regretted. I was able to savor those precious moments in motherhood, when my children would cling to my skirt, not wanting to let me go, and I have cherished those times. My little girl would pose to become my model, with a promise that when the painting got sold I would buy her a Barbie doll. All three of them would help me paint a huge canvas, with the same promise, a trip to a department store when the painting got sold. Until they have learned to paint by themselves now. Even when I returned to work, I always find time to paint to unwind a long busy day while filling more walls and holding more art exhibits. I was able to spend a couple of times with my sister and my mother in California, when the fields and gardens were bursting with colors exploding everywhere in the springtime. I spent time learning from other artists, talking to them, and watching them work. At the same time, I loved to just sit and marvel at the works of the master at the Getty museums in Los Angeles and other museums and art galleries in America. I would sit in front of a Van Gogh at Norton Simon Museum for hours, pondering how this great and talented artist lived in misery for the rest of his life, painting more than two hundred masterpieces and yet no one recognized the great talent. He felt so depressed that he had to be placed in an asylum.. The world rejected him, yet, his works lived, the man, the artist, begging to be understood, and when the world finally did, he is not around to taste it. If Van Gogh was alive today, he will be writing or e-mailing his brother Theo, who supported him all the way that his paintings are selling by the millions of dollars for each masterpiece.
But one of my greatest joys was teaching street children and orphans how to paint. I love watching their faces swathe with excitement as they hold a set of crayon and paints for the first time.
Sometimes, work and even hobbies can be addictive. They can take your life away literally.
When one day God knocked at my door. It was so loud that He had my full attention. Then I stopped, and suddenly I was drawn into a corner of a room, so quite, I could only hear His heartbeat.
The world stop revolving. All I saw were people in their white gowns, with closer semblance of heaven. One thing that told me I was wrong was that the smell of medicine which filled the air, and pain, yes, but not so intense, as painkillers did their job very well.
Nothing seemed to matter at that moment. Only the thought that life is as fragile as a leaf. But as long as that leaf clings to the vine, where it gets its nourishment, it can still dance with the wind.
Right now I feel like a clay on a Potter’s hand, being molded, and my Potter knows exactly what He is doing. He is not done yet, but as a master artist, He sees the finished product, beyond our circumstances. All I could do is yield to the pressure of His hand. Sometimes it is painful, but knowing that He is full of compassion and love, He will never abandon us nor forsake us, but bring out the best in us.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Changing Storms
August 21, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
Changing Storms
Storm-swept mountains and valleys glistened in the early morning light of August. A single flower stood still, gloriously opening its petals for a new day. It was the same flower that bore the raging winds last night. Beside it, a blade of grass stood incandescently before the sunlight. They took the tempest’s strongest and cruelest moment. They bore some part of the storm, and here I found them on the same spot, basking contentedly under the sunbeam.
How many times have we wished to be taken out from the storm? When the heavens were filled with nothing but darkness and thunders roared like lions ready to devour their prey, we stood at the precipice of doubt and fear and asked for mercy. We could not see the way, or even find a reason for the onslaught. Sometimes we thought that God was silent.
But like the famous lyrics in the song, when there are times that we felt alone and we could only see one set of footprints in the sand, those were the times when He carried us through.
I have begged my doctors to spare me from going through the sixth cycle of my chemotherapy, although I knew that it was not possible. Missing one of the cycles beyond the time limit would bring me back to the first cycle. So I closed my eyes, and said my prayer, and went through it once more.
Now, it has been more than a month, since the last cycle. My strength is coming back. Inch long hair slowly and gingerly creeping through my scalp. Losing them once brought me greater joy of having them back.
Although there will be many more test to come, the assurance that I will never be alone gives me much comfort.
Reports say that being a woman, simply makes us a candidate for breast cancer. But it doesn’t mean that men are spared by this malady. Research show that there were certain men who had a breast cancer.
There are many risk factors to be considered. They are the following: genetic, family history, race, personal history of breast cancer, being overweight, not having children, or those women who had their first child after the age of 30, prolonged use of combined hormone replacement therapy or HRT (Estrogens together with progesterone), alcohol and smoking among others.
Studies also show that early menstrual period before twelve years of age may place the woman on a higher risk of having breast cancer.
Although recent studies have suggested that a woman who work at night are prone to be affected, yet these reports were not proven yet.
But even if these risk factors are present, they don’t mean that the person will get the disease. On the other hand, other women who have breast cancer don’t have any of these risk factors.
However, there are some good news to those who have many children, and those who have been breast-feeding them for at least one and half years to two years. The reason behind this is that breast-feeding and pregnancy can lower a woman’s total number of menstrual periods. One study found that this could reduce the risk of having breast cancer by half.
Exercise and staying slim can also reduce the chance of having breast cancer. A study shows that least spending time like 1 hour and 15 minutes to 2 and half hours each week of brisk walking can prevent breast cancer by 18% and spending more time like 10 hours more is a lot better.
I have much relief in knowing my enemy, which has taught me many things. Although it is a little bit late for me, awareness about breast cancer should not be taken for granted.
There are different storms in life. The intensity may vary form each situation, but if we hold on we can be likened to an oak tree, that is not only tested by the storms but also toughened by them.
Cancer may ravage the body, but it cannot invade the soul or quench the spirit.
My Journey with Cancer
Changing Storms
Storm-swept mountains and valleys glistened in the early morning light of August. A single flower stood still, gloriously opening its petals for a new day. It was the same flower that bore the raging winds last night. Beside it, a blade of grass stood incandescently before the sunlight. They took the tempest’s strongest and cruelest moment. They bore some part of the storm, and here I found them on the same spot, basking contentedly under the sunbeam.
How many times have we wished to be taken out from the storm? When the heavens were filled with nothing but darkness and thunders roared like lions ready to devour their prey, we stood at the precipice of doubt and fear and asked for mercy. We could not see the way, or even find a reason for the onslaught. Sometimes we thought that God was silent.
But like the famous lyrics in the song, when there are times that we felt alone and we could only see one set of footprints in the sand, those were the times when He carried us through.
I have begged my doctors to spare me from going through the sixth cycle of my chemotherapy, although I knew that it was not possible. Missing one of the cycles beyond the time limit would bring me back to the first cycle. So I closed my eyes, and said my prayer, and went through it once more.
Now, it has been more than a month, since the last cycle. My strength is coming back. Inch long hair slowly and gingerly creeping through my scalp. Losing them once brought me greater joy of having them back.
Although there will be many more test to come, the assurance that I will never be alone gives me much comfort.
Reports say that being a woman, simply makes us a candidate for breast cancer. But it doesn’t mean that men are spared by this malady. Research show that there were certain men who had a breast cancer.
There are many risk factors to be considered. They are the following: genetic, family history, race, personal history of breast cancer, being overweight, not having children, or those women who had their first child after the age of 30, prolonged use of combined hormone replacement therapy or HRT (Estrogens together with progesterone), alcohol and smoking among others.
Studies also show that early menstrual period before twelve years of age may place the woman on a higher risk of having breast cancer.
Although recent studies have suggested that a woman who work at night are prone to be affected, yet these reports were not proven yet.
But even if these risk factors are present, they don’t mean that the person will get the disease. On the other hand, other women who have breast cancer don’t have any of these risk factors.
However, there are some good news to those who have many children, and those who have been breast-feeding them for at least one and half years to two years. The reason behind this is that breast-feeding and pregnancy can lower a woman’s total number of menstrual periods. One study found that this could reduce the risk of having breast cancer by half.
Exercise and staying slim can also reduce the chance of having breast cancer. A study shows that least spending time like 1 hour and 15 minutes to 2 and half hours each week of brisk walking can prevent breast cancer by 18% and spending more time like 10 hours more is a lot better.
I have much relief in knowing my enemy, which has taught me many things. Although it is a little bit late for me, awareness about breast cancer should not be taken for granted.
There are different storms in life. The intensity may vary form each situation, but if we hold on we can be likened to an oak tree, that is not only tested by the storms but also toughened by them.
Cancer may ravage the body, but it cannot invade the soul or quench the spirit.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Sustaining Grace
August 14, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
Sustaining grace
This journey is colorful. They say that when it rains, it pours.
Last week, I was struck with another respiratory infection coupled with a new illness which is asthma. As if having invasive breast cancer is not enough, my journey is now sprinkled with a little more spices here and there. But the positive thing that I could thank God for is that, I was able to go through my six chemotherapy sessions and reached the finish line, unhampered. Low immune system is expected after the series of treatment. So after traveling thirty minutes by the sea and four to five hours on land my husband brought me back to Cebu Cancer Institute.
But along the way, I refused to feel miserable. Here, in the stillness of nature, the mountainside was pulsating of growing things. Unmindful of tomorrow, remnants of fire tree blossoms, and explosions of bougainvilleas were cascading along the seaside, mingling with greens and yellow shrubberies. Their radiance lifted my spirit. Wildflowers dotted everywhere, while acacia trees formed lacy canopies above the clear blue skies. Dappled lanes stretched endlessly before my eyes.
God paints His masterpiece. He reminds us in Psalms 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” Away form pollution and noise, solitude is a soothing ointment to the soul. I learn from the trees, the flowers and the birds. God clothes them and feeds them, how much more us who are valuable than they?
Breast cancer maybe a killer but cannot take away hope. The hope that I could still spend the remaining chapter of my life more fruitfully. The length of the time may not matter after all.
Recently, an unprecedented rise of breast cancer cases among women in the world, triggered more urgency among health experts in battling this deadly lay killer. The earlier breast cancer is found, the better the chances that the treatment will work. For those who have not been afflicted by this disease, awareness about the body counts a lot.
While breast awareness and breast self-exam should be an operation with younger women in their twenties with the proper guidance of a doctor or nurse, women who have reached the age of forty and above are encouraged to have a mammogram every year.
Mammogram is an x-ray of the breast. The breast is pressed between two plates to flatten and spread the tissue. It can cause discomfort for a few seconds but it is necessary to get a good picture. Although sometimes mammograms miss some cancers, it is still the best way to find them.
The most common sign of breast cancer is a new lump or mass. It is usually painless, hard and has edges which are irregular. But some cancers could be rounded, soft or tender. Other signs could be the following: a swelling part of the breast, a nipple discharge which is not breast milk, redness of the nipple or breast skin, nipple pain or when your nipple is turning inward, skin irritation or dimpling. It is always good to see doctor since early detection may save lives.
We may close our eyes from the truth, but the truth remains. Internet sources say that more than 150,000 new cases are detected and more than 50,000 deaths occur each year in the United States alone. The Philippines is highest in Asia among breast cancer cases in women.
Every sunset spells the end of the other day. My countdown continues. I’m on my 8th month since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Sometimes I wish that I will wake up one day and realize that everything has been a dream. But every time, I am reminded of the chilling truth that one day this journey will end. But for now it goes on, undaunted, even if sometimes discouraged, and defeated.
During clear and cloudless nights, I look outside my window, and I see the stars. I’m reminded that countless as they are, God knows them by name.
My Journey with Cancer
Sustaining grace
This journey is colorful. They say that when it rains, it pours.
Last week, I was struck with another respiratory infection coupled with a new illness which is asthma. As if having invasive breast cancer is not enough, my journey is now sprinkled with a little more spices here and there. But the positive thing that I could thank God for is that, I was able to go through my six chemotherapy sessions and reached the finish line, unhampered. Low immune system is expected after the series of treatment. So after traveling thirty minutes by the sea and four to five hours on land my husband brought me back to Cebu Cancer Institute.
But along the way, I refused to feel miserable. Here, in the stillness of nature, the mountainside was pulsating of growing things. Unmindful of tomorrow, remnants of fire tree blossoms, and explosions of bougainvilleas were cascading along the seaside, mingling with greens and yellow shrubberies. Their radiance lifted my spirit. Wildflowers dotted everywhere, while acacia trees formed lacy canopies above the clear blue skies. Dappled lanes stretched endlessly before my eyes.
God paints His masterpiece. He reminds us in Psalms 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” Away form pollution and noise, solitude is a soothing ointment to the soul. I learn from the trees, the flowers and the birds. God clothes them and feeds them, how much more us who are valuable than they?
Breast cancer maybe a killer but cannot take away hope. The hope that I could still spend the remaining chapter of my life more fruitfully. The length of the time may not matter after all.
Recently, an unprecedented rise of breast cancer cases among women in the world, triggered more urgency among health experts in battling this deadly lay killer. The earlier breast cancer is found, the better the chances that the treatment will work. For those who have not been afflicted by this disease, awareness about the body counts a lot.
While breast awareness and breast self-exam should be an operation with younger women in their twenties with the proper guidance of a doctor or nurse, women who have reached the age of forty and above are encouraged to have a mammogram every year.
Mammogram is an x-ray of the breast. The breast is pressed between two plates to flatten and spread the tissue. It can cause discomfort for a few seconds but it is necessary to get a good picture. Although sometimes mammograms miss some cancers, it is still the best way to find them.
The most common sign of breast cancer is a new lump or mass. It is usually painless, hard and has edges which are irregular. But some cancers could be rounded, soft or tender. Other signs could be the following: a swelling part of the breast, a nipple discharge which is not breast milk, redness of the nipple or breast skin, nipple pain or when your nipple is turning inward, skin irritation or dimpling. It is always good to see doctor since early detection may save lives.
We may close our eyes from the truth, but the truth remains. Internet sources say that more than 150,000 new cases are detected and more than 50,000 deaths occur each year in the United States alone. The Philippines is highest in Asia among breast cancer cases in women.
Every sunset spells the end of the other day. My countdown continues. I’m on my 8th month since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Sometimes I wish that I will wake up one day and realize that everything has been a dream. But every time, I am reminded of the chilling truth that one day this journey will end. But for now it goes on, undaunted, even if sometimes discouraged, and defeated.
During clear and cloudless nights, I look outside my window, and I see the stars. I’m reminded that countless as they are, God knows them by name.
Monday, July 23, 2007
I Lose My Hair
July 31, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
I Lose My Hair
Oftentimes, I find myself gawking at people with long, beautiful and healthy hair in the same way I noticed others staring at mine. I'm sorry if I have some kind of fixations about hair at this point in my life. Truly, we can’t appreciate the value of some things or people until we lose them.
At the tenth day after my first chemotherapy treatment, I started seeing clumps of my hair mercilessly clinging to my hairbrush leaving my scalp, falling …just falling. How did it feel for the first time? Or how did those people feel when they lose their hair because of cancer? How did they portray this in the movies? There were tears. I saw bald women on television and they looked beautiful, but what I saw in the mirror was not beautiful at all. I saw a half bald person with dark hollows beneath her eyes, staring back at me. I expected some tears, but there was none.
In this journey, everything comes through a process. At that moment, pity was the last thing I wanted. Even if I had the full support from my family, relatives and friends like an army, I was afraid to see that emotion which will cross their faces, even how fleeting it will be. Why? Because I knew I would crumble. I closed the door. I wrestled with the thought of hiding forever. Thoughts that were bordering on absurdity attacked me like bees. Surely, God was watching me, knowing, my thoughts, and He alone understood. It doesn’t matter to Him if I am bald, ugly, inconsistent, imperfect, physically weak and many more. He accepts me as I am. His love is unconditional.
Somehow, the fears vanish. I am now able to share my feelings, my emotions, and not being ashamed of it. I have accepted the fact that hair does not define the person. I have come to realize that we are so special in God’s eyes that He thought of crowning our heads wit beautiful hair. Touch your hair. Isn’t it amazing that God knows each follicle of your hair? In Mathew 10: 30-31, Jesus said, “And even the very hairs in your head are numbered. So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.”
Losing hair or alopecia is only one of the minor effects of chemotherapy. The other side effects are nausea and vomiting, fatigue, infection, low blood cell counts, reduction in the number of red blood cells that can cause anemia, which is associated with dizziness, head ache and irritability.
Other side effects are mouth sores, tingling or burning sensations, Flu-like symptoms after chemotherapy sessions, diarrhea or constipation, kidney, or bladder infections, taste changes, fluid retention, among others.
I know all these sound scary.. But doctors say these side effects could vary in each patient.
Sometimes people asked, if these are the side effects of chemotherapy, why should cancer patients undergo this kind of suffering?
The side effects maybe traumatic to most of us, but there are also positive results that this kind of treatment offers. But again, this varies to each patient.
They say in recent studies that chemotherapy may cure cancer, or kill cancer cells. It could also slow down cancer growth and relieve symptoms of cancer. Research also showed the chemotherapy could stop cancer from spreading to other parts of the body.
Despite the fact that the tumor was removed during surgery, doctors offer chemotherapy to patients since there is always a risk for recurrence. Some microscopic cancer cells might have spread in some parts of the body.
Modern medicine is a great help today. But when all these crutches are taken away, and death is eminent, only God can do the changes.
My Journey with Cancer
I Lose My Hair
Oftentimes, I find myself gawking at people with long, beautiful and healthy hair in the same way I noticed others staring at mine. I'm sorry if I have some kind of fixations about hair at this point in my life. Truly, we can’t appreciate the value of some things or people until we lose them.
At the tenth day after my first chemotherapy treatment, I started seeing clumps of my hair mercilessly clinging to my hairbrush leaving my scalp, falling …just falling. How did it feel for the first time? Or how did those people feel when they lose their hair because of cancer? How did they portray this in the movies? There were tears. I saw bald women on television and they looked beautiful, but what I saw in the mirror was not beautiful at all. I saw a half bald person with dark hollows beneath her eyes, staring back at me. I expected some tears, but there was none.
In this journey, everything comes through a process. At that moment, pity was the last thing I wanted. Even if I had the full support from my family, relatives and friends like an army, I was afraid to see that emotion which will cross their faces, even how fleeting it will be. Why? Because I knew I would crumble. I closed the door. I wrestled with the thought of hiding forever. Thoughts that were bordering on absurdity attacked me like bees. Surely, God was watching me, knowing, my thoughts, and He alone understood. It doesn’t matter to Him if I am bald, ugly, inconsistent, imperfect, physically weak and many more. He accepts me as I am. His love is unconditional.
Somehow, the fears vanish. I am now able to share my feelings, my emotions, and not being ashamed of it. I have accepted the fact that hair does not define the person. I have come to realize that we are so special in God’s eyes that He thought of crowning our heads wit beautiful hair. Touch your hair. Isn’t it amazing that God knows each follicle of your hair? In Mathew 10: 30-31, Jesus said, “And even the very hairs in your head are numbered. So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.”
Losing hair or alopecia is only one of the minor effects of chemotherapy. The other side effects are nausea and vomiting, fatigue, infection, low blood cell counts, reduction in the number of red blood cells that can cause anemia, which is associated with dizziness, head ache and irritability.
Other side effects are mouth sores, tingling or burning sensations, Flu-like symptoms after chemotherapy sessions, diarrhea or constipation, kidney, or bladder infections, taste changes, fluid retention, among others.
I know all these sound scary.. But doctors say these side effects could vary in each patient.
Sometimes people asked, if these are the side effects of chemotherapy, why should cancer patients undergo this kind of suffering?
The side effects maybe traumatic to most of us, but there are also positive results that this kind of treatment offers. But again, this varies to each patient.
They say in recent studies that chemotherapy may cure cancer, or kill cancer cells. It could also slow down cancer growth and relieve symptoms of cancer. Research also showed the chemotherapy could stop cancer from spreading to other parts of the body.
Despite the fact that the tumor was removed during surgery, doctors offer chemotherapy to patients since there is always a risk for recurrence. Some microscopic cancer cells might have spread in some parts of the body.
Modern medicine is a great help today. But when all these crutches are taken away, and death is eminent, only God can do the changes.
One Day This Burden will Turn into Wings
Published in Negros Chronicle on July 24, 2005
My Journey with Cancer
By Muffet Dolar Villegas
One day, this burden will turn into wings
Once a story was told how birds got their wings. They used to be heavy object instead of wings. But day after day, they tried to overcome the weight on their shoulders and ventured hard to rise. Excruciating pain seemed to tear their bodies apart each time they lifted them from the ground. As soon as they did, they fell back to the mossy grass. But the birds never gave up. Someday, somehow, they thought the burdens on their shoulders wouldn’t be so heavy after all. Soon the weights ceased to be obstacles, and they became their wings, and up they flew high above the skies.
Have you carried some weight lately? I know some of you have, and maybe you were able to use those weights as wings.
This story sounds familiar to all of us. How many times do we face seemingly insurmountable difficulties and use the same trials to bring good to others? How many times did we witness the power of God at work? Countless times.
With all the negative effects of cancer to a person, it is still limited. It cannot quench the spirit, or silence courage. During this journey with cancer, mostly during my days of chemotherapy, which I had every three weeks, I saw and met people who survived, who used their experiences to reach out to others.
Josephine Gomez, a gifted soprano who is known to be the longest cancer survivor in the country, used her talent in music to serve others. She had recently awed audiences with her soothing, penetrating voice, touching souls, when she performed here at the Luce Auditorium. She is presently and actively helping those who have cancer nationwide. Josephine believes in God’s power and grace. Her faith in God healed her. She told me, “Never allow negative thoughts in your mind.”
Jane Pacaide in Cebu, a young flight stewardess presently working in an international airline, whose fight for cancer stemmed from her own experience few years ago, founded Cebu Cancer Fight, an organization actively involved with helping cancer patients. She organized conferences and seminars to bring awareness of this debilitating disease to those who have cancer and those whose loved ones are affected y it. The organization raised funds to help caner patients cope with this awful illness which has afflicted many people from all walks of life. Jane knew, that when God healed her, He had a mission for her to do. She openly acknowledges God as her healer.
Another cancer survivor whose courage amazed me was Sister Lucila, a blissful nun of the Cebu Cancer Institute. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1971, she underwent several surgeries, yet here she was, assisting chemo patient, encouraging them, serving them everyday. Her smile bringing light inside the otherwise lonely room where we sat on comfortable chairs, where drugs were administered to us through intravenous injections.
Doctors, nurse are gifts from heaven. I have seen their patience, endurance, dedication and compassion that go beyond the call of duty to cancer patients. They answer complaints in the middle of the night through cell phones. The “Please disturb me” sign is written all over their faces when we ask questions and needed assistance.
If all of these sounded too good to be true, try to trade places with me, which I know you will have second thoughts.
How I wish that one day, I could turn my own heavy weight into wings. No matter how long or how short life is for me. Unlike the birds, I cannot rely on my own strength, but on the greater power behind those wings, who is God.
My Journey with Cancer
By Muffet Dolar Villegas
One day, this burden will turn into wings
Once a story was told how birds got their wings. They used to be heavy object instead of wings. But day after day, they tried to overcome the weight on their shoulders and ventured hard to rise. Excruciating pain seemed to tear their bodies apart each time they lifted them from the ground. As soon as they did, they fell back to the mossy grass. But the birds never gave up. Someday, somehow, they thought the burdens on their shoulders wouldn’t be so heavy after all. Soon the weights ceased to be obstacles, and they became their wings, and up they flew high above the skies.
Have you carried some weight lately? I know some of you have, and maybe you were able to use those weights as wings.
This story sounds familiar to all of us. How many times do we face seemingly insurmountable difficulties and use the same trials to bring good to others? How many times did we witness the power of God at work? Countless times.
With all the negative effects of cancer to a person, it is still limited. It cannot quench the spirit, or silence courage. During this journey with cancer, mostly during my days of chemotherapy, which I had every three weeks, I saw and met people who survived, who used their experiences to reach out to others.
Josephine Gomez, a gifted soprano who is known to be the longest cancer survivor in the country, used her talent in music to serve others. She had recently awed audiences with her soothing, penetrating voice, touching souls, when she performed here at the Luce Auditorium. She is presently and actively helping those who have cancer nationwide. Josephine believes in God’s power and grace. Her faith in God healed her. She told me, “Never allow negative thoughts in your mind.”
Jane Pacaide in Cebu, a young flight stewardess presently working in an international airline, whose fight for cancer stemmed from her own experience few years ago, founded Cebu Cancer Fight, an organization actively involved with helping cancer patients. She organized conferences and seminars to bring awareness of this debilitating disease to those who have cancer and those whose loved ones are affected y it. The organization raised funds to help caner patients cope with this awful illness which has afflicted many people from all walks of life. Jane knew, that when God healed her, He had a mission for her to do. She openly acknowledges God as her healer.
Another cancer survivor whose courage amazed me was Sister Lucila, a blissful nun of the Cebu Cancer Institute. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1971, she underwent several surgeries, yet here she was, assisting chemo patient, encouraging them, serving them everyday. Her smile bringing light inside the otherwise lonely room where we sat on comfortable chairs, where drugs were administered to us through intravenous injections.
Doctors, nurse are gifts from heaven. I have seen their patience, endurance, dedication and compassion that go beyond the call of duty to cancer patients. They answer complaints in the middle of the night through cell phones. The “Please disturb me” sign is written all over their faces when we ask questions and needed assistance.
If all of these sounded too good to be true, try to trade places with me, which I know you will have second thoughts.
How I wish that one day, I could turn my own heavy weight into wings. No matter how long or how short life is for me. Unlike the birds, I cannot rely on my own strength, but on the greater power behind those wings, who is God.
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